The Greatest of all Time-Machine

The Greatest of all Time-Machine

Who was the greatest of all time.  We should accept it’s more about the conversation than the conclusion because there simply isn’t a best of all time. Ali’s an easy answer but there are plenty of convincing arguments for the contrary.  Arguments like – Sugar Ray Robinson and…(heaven forgive me) Floyd Mayweather. Ali lost fights and his cultural significance can easily eclipse the stats.  (again, heaven forgive me)

Last night I watched some boxing on ESPN classics. There’s nothing in sports like old boxing footage. Each decade’s video has its own characteristic. Be it the resolution, the color saturation or the moustaches. This particular program was a 40 minute compilation of Lennox Lewis KO’s. His annihilation of Andrew Golota, Michael Grant, Tyrell Biggs and especially Razor Ruddock were so impressive; he destroyed these men.  Then I got thinking. Lennox destroyed Mike Tyson, who destroyed Larry Holmes, who had brutalized Ali. Could Lennox Lewis have beaten Ali? Oh, my God. Was Lewis the greatest of all time? Bloody hell! Lennox was the best of all time.

I felt myself tripping down the rabbit hole of nonsense boxing logic and I didn’t fight it. It was a cool Wednesday evening in Los Angeles and I had just eaten a whole bowel of shrimp pasta – I knew I had the energy to stop anytime. I love the absurdity of the X beat Y and Y beat Z therefore X beats Z argument so I continued putting variables into my hypothesis to test its validity.  Lennox was the greatest of all time because…Razor Ruddock pushed Tyson to the limit twice therefore Lewis’ first round KO of Ruddock means he would have never struggled with Tyson, in or out of Tyson’s prime. Settled. For further proof, see Lewis’ rearrangement of Vitali Klitchko’s face when he was clearly not even in shape. Vitali hasn’t been beaten since therefore….the NEW greatest of all time is….Lennox Leeeeeeeewiiiiiiis.

Wait, moron. What about Rocky Marciano? The dude never lost.  He even beat Joe Lewis! But do you really think that Lennox’s piston–like jab would have much trouble keeping Marciano at bay before he picked him off with a looping haymaker? I mean – just think about it. Put them in a ring together, what would that look like? The face off would be absurd. There’s a half a foot difference and 50lbs in weight. Plus Lewis wasn’t just agile for a big guy. The man was an athlete; I can’t imagine a world where he wouldn’t spank Marciano senseless without taking a single lick. Dear Lord, give me a fucking time machine for crying out loud. That’s what we need time machines for.  Let’s settle these debates. Who was the greatest?  Sure a time machine would be great to go back and stop horrible atrocities, kill Hitler as a baby yaddy yaddy yadda. But let’s face it, humans are retarded and if it hadn’t been Hitler some other bastard would have done some other horrible shit that would have wrecked the world. Going back in time isn’t for that, it’s for settling and for clarifying boxing superiority. D’uh.